Happy New Year! 2015 is going to be a fantastic year for all of us. Your toddler is going to sleep through the night, finish meals and will not throw tantrums. Everything is going to be perfect. While we mothers enjoy ourselves, it is only fair that toddlers get their fair share of fun too. Given that Kiara had a ball this Christmas holidays, she has very kindly agreed to share her tips for making the most out of the holiday season.

The cooking/baking

Your mother will be under the illusion that she can make a variety of dishes and throw a huge party for Christmas. It is your duty to make her understand that she is just being silly. Christmas is all about you. Sleep when you want to, scream when you have to, throw food, just whatever. Refuse that thing called ‘routine’. It’s holidays!

The shopping

She will put you in the shopping trolley and frantically run around trying to buy presents. Shopping is really fun. The handlebar of the shopping trolley tastes exquisite. Not sure if it is the rust or the dirt. Lots of pretty shiny things will be within your reach, grab them and eat them if you can. You can walk around with a gorgeous glittery face. Remember, glitter is forever. When you are doing all this, mummy will dance beautifully flipping her hands around and singing ‘No No NOOOOO’’.

The Christmas tree

Christmas trees are the best thing ever! It has dangling, glittery, colourful things all over. Imagine how wonderful each of them will taste. Your mum being the horrible person she is, will keep it out of your reach. She may put it in the corner with a form of barricade (like mine did). Remember, it’s Christmas and nothing should stop you from having fun. When adults are near the Christmas tree, put on your sweetest smile and request to be carried. The moment they relent, lunge at the tree with all your might. Bonus points if you manage to topple the tree. Worst case, you’ll a least get some glitter to lick.

The silly man with the white beard

Your mother will insist you take a picture with this man dressed in horrible red clothes, called Santa or something. Don’t worry too much about this. Right after you are seated next to him, try to bite his thigh, yank at his beard or take away his glasses. These stunts are for the more experienced tots like me. Otherwise, just scream and cry. Do not let anyone ruin your Christmas.

Christmas clothes

As if life is not hard enough for us, mum will make us wear ridiculous clothes. Mine got me a lame Christmas fairy dress. She spent days looking for that contraption and I heard her giggling about it over the phone. I wasn’t happy. Revenge is a dish best served cold. After she leaves the house with you dressed as a Christmas fairy or whatever other annoying character, yell and yank at the dress in public. The more crowded, the better. You’ll be back in comfortable pyjamas within seconds. You can go about enjoying Christmas carols after that while the other elves and Christmas fairies look at you in envy.

 Picture taking

I just hate it when they try to take my picture. Like, excuse me I just want to relax this time of the year. I show my annoyance by running straight at the camera. Not everything is lost. Now mum has a series of pictures depicting my nostrils in different angles. I think she should frame it up.

Christmas service

This one can be really fun if you work hard at it. I had a ball! I started with singing loudly when everyone was quiet. Not sure why mum wasn’t impressed with my Christmas carols. Anyway, just to please her I moved on to other activities. I licked an entire row of pews! Mum, totally jealous carried me away to a corner. That didn’t stop me. I kept running to the holy water pond and splashed water. Mum was turning a beautiful shade of red. She put me in another corner and I was just walking around minding my business. Soon she closed her eyes and was praying. Meanwhile, I prostrated myself at a stranger’s feet and decided to eat his shoe. You should have seen the look on his and my mum’s face – PRICELESS. I loved Christmas service. We shouldn’t have left early.

New Year surprise

Mothers love surprises. I gave her one when she least expected it. At approximately 3am, I whined and insisted on sleeping with her and dad. Then with all my might, I banged my head onto her lips. The surprise was a hit (literally). Even dad woke up. Next morning I overheard her saying something about a busted lip. She loved it.

There are also many other little things you can do to maximise your enjoyment during holiday season. This post is just a basic guide. Most importantly my dear fellow tots: Practice Practice and Practice. Hope you guys had heaps of fun. Can’t wait for next Christmas!