My daughter has turned 1 and has recently mastered walking. She is so busy walking (to nowhere in particular) that I sat down and thought to myself that I’ll find a job. I mean my poor father did spend a substantial amount of money educating me.  So, I decided to reinvent my CV for potential employers.

Professional Objective:

To get some job, that would allow me to earn some money while being a decent mother. In other words, yes I can ONLY work from 9am to 4pm. Daycare is not open forever you know.

Availability: If I make myself sound busy, you will not give me a job. So yes I am available like NOW.

Highest Achieved Qualification: Self-proclaimed superwoman

Employment Status: Employed with no pay and no benefits

Job description: Where do I begin? General duties of being a mother/daughter/wife/sister/friend, early childhood education, cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, counselling, yelling, eating leftovers, lullaby singing, rhymes recitation, grocery shopping, party planning, bill payments, maintaining relationship with key stakeholders and not so key but necessary stakeholders, being a punching bag. I will just end it here.

Professional Skills

– I’m a Ninja : Really. I can sneak away from a sleeping toddler with hypersensitive ears by strategically manipulating my way across creaky floorboards.

– Superhuman peripheral vision: How else can I grab my daughter’s hand seconds before she tries to eat a tube of anti bacterial cream even though I was actually folding clothes with my back almost turned towards her. Aha!

– I can do almost any task single handedly (literally and metaphorically).

– Extreme endurance: Survived 10 days in labour with no pain relief.

– Attention to detail: I have x-ray vision that can spot even specks of dust.

In case my CV so far isn’t compelling enough to hire me, I have also prepared answers to some common behavioural questions.

Describe a time on any job in which you were faced with stresses which tested your coping skills.  What did you do?

On a particularly busy day, my little one decided that she was in the mood for a leisurely lunch. I mean, it is completely normal for someone to want to eat their bowl of pasta over a period of 3 hours. Sometime during this 1-course, 3 hour long lunch, I bent down to pick up something from the floor. As luck would have it, that was the precise moment Kiara chose to overturn the bowl of pasta on my head. It’s very hard to put into words my emotions at that moment. I wanted to cry, pull out my hair, throw some pasta at my baby, scream for help. Yes you understand the stress now. However, I magically conjured up this thing called patience. I cleaned up the mess, washed my hair again, dressed to go out and even sang ‘Old Macdonalds had a farm’ in the car en-route to our destination.

Describe a situation in which you felt it necessary to be very attentive and vigilant to your environment.

I am attentive and vigilant even when I am sleeping. Seriously. All I need to hear is the gentle rustling of bed sheet from the baby cot 3 meters away. Within seconds, I am right beside the cot, armed with a bottle of warm milk, very determined not to let the neighbours come running.

Provide an example of a time in which you had to use your analytical skills to gain information for solving a problem.

Given that my 1-year old’s vocabulary is limited to ‘Mama, Papa, yes, ball and quack quack’ I use my analytical skills all the time. I analyse body language, decode babbling and scrutinise poop. Information collected such has played a significant role in managing day to day activities. Kiara’s healthy growth is a testament to my superior analytical skills.

Describe the most significant piece of writing which you have had to complete.

My grocery list. It is not easy given that Kiara particularly enjoys eating post-its.

Demonstrate prioritisation skills

Almost every day I am faced with this great dilemma of whether I should run in to do a quick wee or continue dancing to ‘dingle dangle scarecrow’. Putting my excellent prioritisation skills to use, I quickly determine that the benefits of dancing to ‘dingle dangle scarecrow’ far outweigh a trip to the toilet.

I sincerely hope that this CV is convincing. Listed below are the names of two people close to me for you to carry out reference checks.

1. Kiara the daughter

2. Kali the husband

Please make your queries short as Kiara has an attention span of 15 seconds. Kali is much better as he can focus for up to 1 minute. Thank you for considering my application and hope to hear from you in the near future.

Yours faithfully,

Snowlin – The mum who just wants a job